


In My Arms

by BarbaLovesCarisi (CaptainAmericasShield)



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Developing Relationship, First Kiss, I say I'm sorry but I don't know if I actually am, M/M, Prompt: Episode Related with Alternate Ending, Rafael Barba deserves to be happy and loved, Sonny is a good friend, Sonny just wants to take care of Rafael and make sure he's okay, bingo prompt, hey look more angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-30
Updated: 2020-04-30
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:13:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23920630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainAmericasShield/pseuds/BarbaLovesCarisi
Summary: The Undiscovered Country, but after the trial, Rafael eventually turns up at Sonny’s apartment.  He doesn’t know where else to go, and feels Sonny is the only one he can talk to.  He doesn’t expect Sonny to not be upset, and he especially doesn’t expect to fall for him all over again.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 34
Collections: April 2020 Barisi Bingo





	In My Arms

**Author's Note:**

> Still Angsty, but better than what actually happened where Rafael disappears off the face of the earth. Title from Plumb’s song of the same name.
> 
> Thank you to my beta reader catchclaw on Tumblr, I appreciate you so much :)

_Knowing clouds will raise up_

_Storms will race in_

_But you will be safe in my arms_

_Rains will pour down_

_Waves will crash all around_

_But you will be safe in my arms_

“We find the defendant, Rafael Barba,” the jury forewoman paused before reading the verdict. “Not guilty.”

Sonny looked up at Rafael, who looked exhausted but relieved. He knew how difficult the entire experience had been for him, and was thankful the ordeal was over for his sake.

Sonny stood up and walked to the aisle to talk to Barba and tell him he was thankful the jury came back the way it did.

“Hey Barba, I-” Sonny started. 

Barba raised a hand to stop him, gave him a sad smile and walked away.

Sonny spent the rest of the day worrying. He had tried calling Barba multiple times, and left several voicemails. He tried texting him as well, but the response was the same: nothing. Sonny gave up after leaving the 10th voicemail. Barba was't usually one to not answer his phone unless he was in a meeting or court. Neither situation was very plausable, and that concerned Sonny He wanted to keep trying, but didn’t want to overwhelm Barba; he figured if Barba wanted to talk, he would respond.

“Hey Lieu, have you heard from Barba since the trial?” Sonny asked before leaving work for the day.

Olivia gave him an inquisitive look. “I haven’t heard anything from him, why?” 

“It’s just - I’m worried about him.,” Sonny paused before continuing. He didn’t want to seem overly concerned - the verdict had only been given late that morning. “He looked pretty upset when he left. This trial definitely got to him. I’ve never seen him like this, and I just wanted to make sure he’s okay.”

“I’m worried about him too. He’s not answering calls or text messages.”

Sonny looked down. “I know, I’ve tried calling him and texting him, but I haven’t heard anything either.”

“Try not to think too much about it, alright? He probably just wants to be alone right now.”

“I know, I just - like I said, I’m just worried about him.”

Olivia gently put her hand on his shoulder. “I know you are. I know you two were close friends. He’ll be okay. He’s smart, and I think he just works himself too hard sometimes.”

Sonny nodded and sighed. “You’re right. I guess I should stop worrying so much.”

“It’s okay to be worried, just try not to overthink it. Okay?”

“I’ll try. Thanks Lieu.”

Sonny drove home in silence and tried to follow Olivia’s advice. He tried not to worry, but it was hard when he didn’t know if he would see Barba again. He kept thinking about Barba’s heartbroken yet relieved look when the verdict had been read; it only made him worry more. Truth be told, he cared about Barba; he’d had a crush on the man from the moment they’d met, but had never been able to say anything because he thought it would be weird since they worked together. Besides, he didn’t want to ruin their friendship. And he wasn’t sure Barba would have felt the same way.

When he got home, he made dinner and tried to distract himself by flipping through channels. He ended up keeping the news on, even though he wasn’t really paying attention. He couldn’t help but worry about Barba. Every time he tried to focus on something else, his mind would always wander back to Barba. 

Sonny was torn from his thoughts by a knock at his door. It was late, almost 11 PM--he wasn’t sure who would be visiting him that late. He stood up and walked over to the door, looked out the peephole--and was surprised to see Rafael Barba standing on the other side. 

Barba looked exhausted and slightly disheveled, wearing clothes that were more casual than Sonny had seen him in, having traded in his suit for a navy polo and nice jeans. Sonny’s heart skipped a beat. He wasn’t surprised the trial had taken such a toll on Barba. There was a part of him that was relieved Barba was okay, but there was another part of him questioning _why_ Barba had shown up at his apartment so late. Sonny quickly opened the door and ushered him in.

*************

“I’m so sorry to bother you this late, I didn’t know where else to go,” Rafael said as Sonny ushered him in. He scrubbed a hand through his hair and made a beeline for Sonny’s beat-up couch. He hadn’t been in Carisi’s apartment for ages, since the last time he had been over helping Sonny prep for the Bar Exam nearly two years prior. Funny, though, he thought, as his eyes took in the light beige carpet and the contrasting dark wood of the coffee table and the end table with a lamp and a framed photo Sonny had taken of the Manhattan skyline at sunset: it didn’t seem like much, if anything had changed.

“Is everything okay? I wanted to talk to you after the trial, but you waved me off and left. How are you holding up?” Sonny asked, taking a seat next to Rafael. 

To say Sonny was worried was a bit of an understatement. Rafael had become one of his closest friends and one of his biggest supporters when he was going through law school and studying for the bar. Even after he passed the bar and other members of the squad dismissed his legal input, Barba was willing to hear him out and actually listen to what he was saying instead of dismissing him, which he easily could have. Sonny always felt there had been more there than mere friendship, but he was never sure if Barba felt the same way.

Rafael looked down. God, he was tired. He hadn’t gotten a good night's sleep since before the trial. If Sonny had noticed the dark circles under his eyes, he hadn’t said anything about it, and Rafael was grateful for that. “I’m doing about as well as you’d expect. I hate myself for what I did. I got too personally involved in this case, and I did something stupid,” he admitted. “And before you say anything, I know stupid is an understatement.”

“If you don’t mind my asking, why did you come to me?”

Rafael hesitated. “I trust you,” he said finally. “I trusted that you would listen and not judge. I trusted you would see where I was coming from, and not necessarily condone what I did, but understand _why_ I did what I did.”

Sonny smiled softly. “I--thank you for trusting me. I can say you’re right. I would never judge you, and, while I don’t condone what you did, I do understand why you did it. I understand your thought process.”

“You do?”

Sonny nodded. “I know you wouldn’t have done this without having a good reason. I know how hard it must have been for you to make this decision. Listen, Barba--”

“Please, call me Rafael. We’re not working together anymore.”

“In that case, you can call me Dominick. Anyway, Rafael, I care about you, I really do. I’ve been so worried about you, and it just made me think about how much you helped me, and how much you supported me when no one else in the squad did. I guess what I’m trying to say is--” Sonny paused and took a breath. “I’ve had feelings for you since I first met you. I didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t want to lose you as a friend if I was completely reading you the wrong way - I’m sorry, I’ve just had a lot on my mind today.”

“We both have, Dominick. I’d be lying if I told you I haven’t felt the same way about you,” Rafael said, casting his eyes towards the floor again. “I just couldn’t say anything because I knew it would be difficult since we were colleagues. I didn’t want to form an attachment and get hurt again. To be honest, you’ve become one of my closest friends, and I didn’t want to risk losing that.” Rafael paused and looked down “I have never had a lasting relationship with anyone I’ve ever cared for, and I just didn’t want to deal with that pain again.”

“I guess we’re both on the same page then.”

“I guess we are.”

*************

Barba--no, _Rafael_ \--leaned forward first. Before Sonny could form a coherent thought, his lips were pressed to Rafael’s. It was better than he ever could have imagined. It felt _right_. He moved a hand to the side of Rafael’s face. When they both eventually pulled apart to breathe, Rafael smiled. Sonny had not seen him smile that genuinely in a long time, and it made his heart soar. He smiled back at Rafael and took his hand.

“I’m willing to give this a try if you are,” he murmured.

Rafael’s voice was quiet, too. “It’s been a long time since I’ve been with anyone like this,” he said, “and the last time I was in a relationship, it was a _very_ messy breakup, and I almost gave up on finding love right then, but I trust you. I think it’s safe to say this is something we both want.”

Sonny nodded. “I do want this, and I would never do anything you weren’t comfortable with. I know you’ve been hurt, but I promise you, I will never hurt you, not intentionally.”

“I want to believe you when you say that you won’t hurt me, and there’s a part of me that does,, but there’s still that part of me that isn’t sure.”

“I get that, I really do. And if there’s that small part of you that’s afraid, and that doesn’t fully trust me, that’s okay. Please, just let me take care of you, let me _help_ you. Let me know what I can do to help you understand that I would never hurt you. I care about you too much to ever hurt you.”

“I-- thank you, Dominick. That’s more than what anyone else I’ve ever dated has been willing to do.”

“They never deserved you. You deserve to be happy, Raf, you really do.”

Rafael smiled sadly, then looked at his watch. “It’s after midnight,” he said, standing up. “Thank you for everything.”

“Stay,” Sonny said. He stood up and took Rafael’s hands in his own.

Rafael looked down, then back up at Sonny. Sonny could see the gears in his head turning. His heart sank. He was wondering if he had suggested something like that too quickly.

“I’m sorry?”

“No, I’m sorry. I was just...I want you to stay here tonight. I’m worried about you, and I don’t want you to be alone. Please, just for one night. I can sleep on the couch, it’s not that bad, I’ll be fine. If you say no, that’s completely fine, I--I just want to make sure you’re okay”

Rafael smiled warmly and Sonny relaxed a bit. “Don’t apologize,” Rafael said. “I think I could honestly use the company right now. You don’t need to sleep on the couch. It’s your apartment, I don’t want to make you do that.”

“It’s not a big deal, like I said, I’ll be fine. Besides, I’m not making you sleep on the couch, you’re my guest, that would just be cruel.”

“What if neither of us slept on the couch?”

Sonny was taken aback by Rafael’s offer, not sure if he was being completely serious or not. The look on Rafael’s face told him he was serious.. He wasn’t expecting him to make a suggestion like that after what he had said earlier. Then again, Rafael had said he trusted him. Maybe this was a sign that Rafael was becoming more comfortable with him. It wasn’t much, but it was a step forward, and that was what mattered.

“Raf, are you sure? I mean, like I said, I--“

Rafael raised a hand to stop him. “I’m sure, Dominick,” he said with a smile.

Sonny nodded. “If you’re sure, I’m okay with that.”

Sonny led Rafael into the bedroom and sat on the bed. Rafael sat next to him and put his head on his shoulder. 

“Thank you for letting me stay,” Rafael said. “Thank you for not turning me away when I showed up out of nowhere. Thank you for listening and _understanding_. Thank you for not judging me for what I did. I owe you so much, Dominick.”

“Raf, you don’t owe me anything. I care about you, I really do. If anything, I owe you for all the times you let me shadow you, for the times you would meet with me to help me study for the bar, and for the times you listened to my legal input without interrupting when the squad would brush me off and tell me I was a cop not a lawyer.”

“You’re a brilliant man, Dominick. I just wish the squad could see that and not brush you and all of your hard work off. If you ever decided on a change in career, I know you would make an excellent ADA.”

“You really think so?”

Rafael smiled. “I really do.”

“Honestly, that means a lot coming from you.”

“Believe me, I wouldn’t have said that if I didn’t think it was true.”

Sonny smiled. “I love your honesty.”

“I’m glad you do.”

*************

Sonny pressed a quick kiss to Rafael’s forehead and stood up, walking into the bathroom to change. Rafael sighed. He didn’t know what he had done to deserve the friendship of someone so kind and forgiving, but he was eternally grateful he had it. 

Sonny appeared again moments later, wearing sweatpants and a loose tee-shirt. He walked to the far side of the bed and climbed under the covers. “Feel free to borrow a shirt and whatever else you need if you want,” he said, gesturing at the dresser. “There are some shirts and sweatpants in the bottom drawer that should fit you.”

Rafael grinned; yeah, anything the Jolly Green Giant had on hand would probably fit twice over. “Thanks.”

He grabbed a shirt and a pair of sweatpants and ducked into the bathroom, folding his clothes and putting them on top of the dryer. Then he caught sight of himself in the mirror-- he looked ridiculous. The shirt was too big and he'd had to tie a triple knot in the drawstring of the sweatpants. He smiled to himself though- as ridiculous as he thought he looked, he felt something he hadn't felt in a long time. For the first time in a long time, he felt safe and truly happy. As refreshing as those feelings were, there was a part of him that wondered if he was making a mistake. He wondered if he should change back into his clothes, give a hasty apology and just go home where he could be alone. That wasn’t what he needed though, and he knew that. Sighing, he walked back into the bedroom and turned off the light before climbing into bed next to Sonny, then turned to face him.

“Rafael?” Sonny said after a couple moments of silence.

“Hm?”

“I’m so glad you’re okay. I’m thankful you came to me, and I’m so happy you’re okay with giving us a chance. If there’s anything you need, please don’t hesitate to ask.”

“Thank you, Dominick. For everything. Thank you for not being quick to judge. Thank you for letting me stay with you. Thank you for not letting me be alone. Thank you for caring. I appreciate it more than you know.” Rafael replied, moving closer and draping his arm across Sonny’s chest. They exchanged one last quick kiss and relaxed. Rafael was comforted by the warmth radiating from Sonny’s body and the steady beat of his heart. He felt safe wrapped in Sonny’s arms, and he knew there was no place he would rather be.


End file.
